HARM OF WILL - 2009-03-17

i've gained a lot of weight in the past month . i see it in my face and feel it when i button my jeans . i keep writing words, filming myself, creating scenarios where i pick myself back up and just "get back to it" but it all ends in another desperate binge cycle .

yesterday, how many calories did i consume ? - 6000 ? 8000 ? 10,000 ? more ? what a horrible feeling to continually feel such a lack of control .

part of me wants to go back to extreme restriction but i feel that is not the way . i don't have it in me to drag myself that low again . there was comfort in starving myself much like the comfort i feel when binge eating . denying my body what it needed gave me a false sense of empowerment . everything else in my world could be crumbling but knowing that i had the ability to ignore hunger and embrace that hollowness, that sad lethargic nothingness - it felt good . there are times i miss it, especially when i look in the mirror and see my face filling with fat once again .

what i seem to continually forget is that filling myself with the right amount of food is powerful too . dealing with food and the hold it has had on me for 15+ years is the right choice . eating what i want when hungry (real hunger, not emotional) continues to be the goal .

my life should not revolve around food (neither the over consumption or under)

yet i continue to write words . the obsession will never truly be resolved . one.

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